Explanation

You don’t know me. You have an idea as to who I am from what you’ve heard and what you read here. It occurs to me, though, that you have a hard time understanding my perspective and behavior. You’re not the only one.

My grandparents divorced when my Mom was very little. My grandfather remarried quickly, to a woman he’d had his eye on for quite awhile. My Mom’s Mom was extremely bitter about it. My Mom defended her step-mom for years, and eventually, after she lost her Mom, succumbed to the same bitterness. It was and is ugly. It makes them ugly. I love and admire this woman, my Mom’s step-mom, my Grandma. I lost in her April, remember, and I am grateful to have had time with her that I would have lost forever had I let my Mom’s bitterness become my own.

The truth, as simple as it is, is this: I don’t do bitter. Sure, I can wear that hat for moments here and there, but it is not a staple of my wardrobe. I understand too well how destructive bitterness is to the bearer’s soul as well as the people around them. I’ve seen it in action too closely for too long.

Love is not borne of spite. Love is often messy, and sometimes people get hurt, but the hurting isn’t the point, the loving is. The hurting just happens, and no one wants it to, no one means for it to be that way. It just is.

Mark’s death and my front row seat to the aftermath carved a notch in my soul forever. It reinforced my belief in treating people in a manner that leaves me prepared in the event that they leave this world before I see them again. It also reinforced my belief that things happen that we do not have the capacity to completely understand. Anytime I have faced loss, pain and hardship before, I have looked back later and realized that whatever happened had to happen to put me where I am supposed to be now. Also, it helps to put this ending in perspective when I compare it to what my poor sister struggles with still.

Bitterness corrodes love and hope. People who choose bitterness by default leave new beginnings, silver linings and a sense of peace on the table. Who picks a shitty hand on purpose? Who makes a conscious decision to invest their time and energy in pain and suffering? Not me. I’m an accountant, and I can’t invest in bitterness and spite. The return on investment is just too low.

At the end of the day, I’m happy with my life. Yes, there are challenges, and some of them have been painful, but I’m excited to see what the future brings. I’m comfortable in my own skin. I know what I am and what I’m not, and I know what I want. It’s not over my shoulder, it’s somewhere past my visible horizon at the moment, and I’m slowly walking towards it. How I got here isn’t important anymore, as unpleasant as it was. What matters now is where I’m going.

We reap what we sow in this world. I have love. I have peace. I have hope. I have success. All I want in this life is more of all of those things, and they cannot be sown from the seeds of bitterness, anger, resentment or spite. I don’t have room in my garden for poisonous plants. My heart’s garden is too full of things that will and do grow and blossom and bear fruit that sustains me, that keep me healthy and strong. I simply haven’t got time for the pain.

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