Tonight
Tonight I said goodbye to my past. There were smiles and laughter, a few awkward moments here and there. Suddenly, I stood there, face to face with the last thirteen years of my life. With a warm hug and a soft peck on the cheek, I said “good luck and take care”, and my past walked out the door. When the door closed, I headed into the kitchen to think about dinner. I wandered around, picking things up and putting things away. Made a dinner plate. Took my boots off. Like any other night.
It isn’t an evil or wholly unpleasant past. It just is what it is. The past. Before. See also: over. For a long time, I struggled with whether or not it was wasted time. I came to the conclusion that I’ll make that decision every day for the rest of my life. For those of you who think I’ve taken this easily, there’s your admission: it is always a decision.
Tonight I’m taking stock of the present. There is a lot of future to be had in this mean old world for me. Sometimes it feels like I spend too much damn time working towards it and not near enough living in the moment. There is no other choice for me, though. I have a chance in this life, and I’m bound and damn determined to gain as much ground as I can. I can’t be any other way, I can’t be fulfilled any other way.
I said the other night that most of my heart was wide open, and it is, and I love it, and I dare anyone to tell me that it isn’t the best way to live. Most of my heart.
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along -billy joel
That room in my heart isn’t ready for company. It needs fresh paint and a good long airing out. No one would want to stay in it right now, anyway. They would be uncomfortable.
But tonight? I can picture a future in which that room is well used again. Someday.
11 comments
I’ve been trying to think of something profound to say.. I’ve got nothin’.
One day at a time. One step at a time. That’s all you can do.
MsDarkstar´s last blog ..Non-Coffeehouse Sunday Post
smile.
Reagan´s last blog ..A Few Words…
Dear Very Bad Cat,
Here are some wise words from Maya Angelou.
I just wanted to say that you have starch in your backbone and you are an elegant butterfly.
Read on, the rest of the words are Maya’s but I think they pertain to you.
Thank you for sharing your story in such a wise way, thank you for singing your song.
Keep on singing.
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you”.
“A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.”
“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman”
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style”
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.
“Courage: the most important of all the virtues because without courage, you can’t practice any other virtue consistently.”
“If I am not good to myself, how can I expect anyone else to be good to me?”
“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.”
“Ask for what you want and be prepared to get it!”
I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
“You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don’t make money your goal. Instead pursue the things you love doing and then do them so well that people can’t take their eyes off of you.”
“I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels, lifes a bitch. You’ve got to go out and kick ass.”
“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
“The desire to reach for the stars is ambitious. The desire to reach hearts is wise. ”
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”
“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it. ”
“Poetry puts starch in your backbone so you can stand, so you can compose your life.”
It really made my morning. I don’t know who you are, but I think I love you.
Thanks for this.
The most beautiful thing to offer another human being in a relationship is wholeness. Not perfection. Not dependence. Wholeness. I am who am. Can I be loved for being who I am?
At one point, 30, divorced, childless, I wondered. I sometimes thought “I must be unlovable.”
I was wrong.
Not only was there a man who could love me just as I am, but I discovered the people, my friends, who would love me no matter what.
That room is a big, gorgeous skyline apartment with a desirable view of the world. It’s all yours. What you do with it, how you decorate it, will be your journey to wholeness.
I refused to be a “fixer upper” someone settled for. I became the person I wanted to be–flawed, imperfect, still journeying to being a better person.
I have faith in you and I can’t wait to see what you do with that big, gorgeous room you’ve got.
Thanks, lady. I love you.
Jennifer McKenzie´s last blog ..Welcome
What a beautiful post. And great choice of lyrics. “And So It Goes” is one of my favorite Billy Joel songs.
Mine too. <3
Kim´s last blog ..Mini Posts, Volume I
This is wonderful. I love how you approach things head on with gut and grace.
thanks, lady. that means a lot coming from you.
Lollygagger´s last blog ..trip
I don’t think past relationship are ever a waste of time. Whether they were successful or not, they molded the person you are today.
yes, and that’s not a bad thing.
Beach Bum´s last blog ..And because I promised an update…
Via the title of the post, the song that came to my mind is Smashing Pumpkins’ “Tonight, Tonight”, and the lyrics to that are also applicable.
“Believe in me, as I believe in you, tonight.”
i love that song!
nicopolitan´s last blog ..Get Through Monday (Lesson 4)
This post gave me goosebumps. I’m so proud of you, and of your attitude towards this whole thing. You amaze me.
thank you so much. i’m proud of you too. ~sniffle~
chasingparadise´s last blog ..Waking up as a bride
That is my all time favorite Billy Joel song – and perfect. I am very proud of how you have handled this transition in your life, it proves how very mature and strong you are. I aspire to be more like you!
Tricia´s last blog ..Today I am THANKFUL!
So I would choose to be with you
As if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break…
AH. It’s just. so. perfect.
Beautiful post, dearie. I love you, tons and tons.
courtney´s last blog ..Black Friday
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