Anticipation
“Patience – A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.” – Ambrose Bierce.
I’m horribly impatient. Waiting in line, waiting for news, waiting for packages, waiting for some highly anticipated day to roll around- I am wretched at biding my time.
So it goes in my personal relationships. I have little tolerance for the despair of waiting to get a reaction from someone. When I’m getting to know someone, I know pretty quickly whether or not I want it to go somewhere, and I cannot wait to know where they’re at. Is this going somewhere? Are you interested? Or no? Honestly, there are a lot of situations (and men) in which I care more about getting an answer than what the answer actually is. Probably because if it isn’t going anywhere, I want to scratch it off my possibility list and take my happy ass down the road.
You can imagine what kind of inner turmoil this creates as I make my entrance back into the dating game. It doesn’t serve me well, and that may just well qualify as the understatement of the year.
If I meet a guy I’m very interested in, and he leaves the ball in his court for any decent amount of time, I perceive it as a rejection. When (if) the ball returns to my court, I’m stunned. I return the serve rather quickly, waiting for it to come back. Start the emotional roller coaster all over again, from the top. Often, I am actually angry when they make their next move, as I’ve already moved on.
My therapist ever so gently reminded me this morning that the kind of man who holds my interest is the kind of man who: has a busy, full and demanding life of their own, does not take courting (or courting me) lightly and therefore will tread slowly, and will take near absolute advantage of any power I give them (by reacting so quickly to their advances). Oh. Well, then.
He also reminded me that the last time I dated, I was eighteen. Things move a little slower at thirty. No one is on fire. (Um… okay. If you say so.)
Essentially, his advice and the events of the past week have me sitting here thinking about two men, and the two respective situations with different eyes. Maybe, just maybe, it was too soon to admit defeat and take my happy ass down the road.
Now I just need to figure out how to get off of the roller coaster while I wait. It really isn’t that I’m head over heels, totally consumed, or thinking about anything serious. The problem is my lack of tolerance for uncertainty.
Anticipation, Anticipation
Is making me late
Is keeping me waiting -carly simon
7 comments
If you figure out how to get off the anticipation/uncertainty rollercoaster, can you pass that on, pretty please? ‘Cause I hear you on this one. If I’m going to have to give up and move on, fella, let me know so I can get to scooping my rejected ass up. Not wallow in uncertainty and undoubtedly obsess (just a touch) about why you won’t be swift and clear.
Also, I now have Ease on Down the Road from The Wiz in my head…thanks, Cat.
Dani´s last blog ..See, i’m not altogether as unreliable as you all imagined i was…
I hate waiting as well. I think it’s dreadful that we have to practice patience. And I love that first quote you used.
Kim´s last blog ..A Stick in the Eye
I struggle with that too – the anticipation and impatience – wanting to know if it is going to go anywhere.. in the end what I have realized works for me is to move on.. and if they come back and I am still interested I turn around and give it a shot. But if I have already moved on, then the connection wasn’t strong enough to warrant me coming back.. I just find it easier to deal with it this way.. and another thing I have come to realize (and I may be wrong, but I am choosing to believe this:) no matter how busy a guy is, if he’s really into a girl he’ll find a way to fit her into his schedule.. keeping this in mind, I find the impatience has gone down post dates…
Miss Over Thinker´s last blog ..my own silver lining
I’m the most impatient person I know. Seriously. So I guess we’re well suited for friends! lol. Oh I shudder to think at how bad I would be, at how I’d have “no game” if I were to start dating right now, at this point in my life. I can’t wait to read your dating stories!
chasingparadise´s last blog ..Waking up as a bride
Just like me — I hate waiting damnit!
I also take silence as rejection.
You know, I never did learn to “take it slow”. Luckily, the right guy won’t give a shit.
Hang in there honey.
Jennifer McKenzie´s last blog ..Welcome
ah hell, will you please get out of my head?!
I so completely relate, there’s nothing else really to say… except… best of luck on your dating journey and I’ll take inspiration from your courage to dive in and (maybe) dip my toe in the terrifying deaths one of these days myself.
emma´s last blog ..Best 09: Day Four
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