I Was Raised for Others to Love
On Facebook this afternoon, I posted a status update that said that being nice was too hard and that I’m giving up and rockin’ the naughty list for the rest of the year.
My father’s sister (the Other Aunt), posted the following response:
“Cath, you were brought up being nice, you can’t change because your to nice anyway.”
In the moment I read that, my general malaise tipped over into white hot rage.
I’ve said this here before, but I will say it again. Whenever I was mean or nasty, whenever I argued or dissented or allowed my legendary sharp tongue to get me in trouble as a little girl, my mother would utter one of her favored parenting phrases:
“My job is to raise you for others to love.“ Sometimes it was prefaced with “I don’t care if you hate me“, but there it is.
She raised me for others to love.
Not to love myself. Not for me to love others. Not to be happy, healthy or productive.
I was raised for others to love.
So guess what? So guess what that message turns into? That earning the approval of others is more important than honoring your own feelings, that winning the game by winning their love is more important than anything else.
That you’re nobody till somebody loves you.
That’s why I’m upset. Not because I miss David. Not because it’s awfully lonely to go from even a miserable marriage to the endless string of worthless evenings that are a part of the single life. Not because I’m not strong enough, or not EVEN because I’m ready for love again and can’t find it. (I’m not.)
I’m miserable because a part of me still believes that rotten, awful trash.
I’m nobody till somebody loves me.
Oh, goddamn it. I’m thirty years old. I own a home. I’m pursuing an education. I have a promising career. I have the most incredible friends one can ever hope to find. My life is full. I am whole.
But that little girl, the girl in her ruffled panties and polished Mary Janes who just wants to do what she wants to do, and reacts with rage when her wishes and needs aren’t met?
She wonders what is wrong with her.
She wonders why a boy who could not grow up, who left her for someone else when things got hard, didn’t love her enough to make it work- she wonders what is wrong with her.
That little girl thinks that if only that boy loved her enough, he would have been able to grow up and be a man. She thinks that him not loving her enough is a reflection on her, on something broken and disgusting and untouchable about her.
The grown up me has a hard time chasing that thought away, because he knew me better than anyone else ever has, and maybe ever will. That knowledge inspired him to throw me away like yesterday’s trash, turning our thirteen years together into a consolation prize and a sham. Or at least that’s what he told her.
I know, I know. His problems are his problems, and I am neither the cause nor the solution. But his voice, his voice. Her voice. “I didn’t love you enough to do these things for you” “My job is to raise you for others to love”. It’s maddening, and there is a part of me that just wants to do anything and everything to drown out those voices.
I am somebody. The love of others is only a part of why I am somebody- I am somebody in my own right. Whether I ever find love again.
10 comments
Oh, chica, I hear your pain and I applaud your honesty.
You’ve said everything, and there’s nothing left to add.
Except, I will
I will add that the most effective way to drown those voices is to act lovingly toward yourself. The more you do reach that center, the more effectively silenced those destructive voices will be. I promise. They just won’t matter.
you made me cry. again. i hope acting lovingly towards myself includes going to visit a bestie and getting tispy, because that’s what i’m doing tonight.
emma´s last blog ..Best 09: Day Thirteen
Next time she says that to you, respond with “And you were quite successful at doing so, provided you meant the sexual kind of love”.
Bazinga!
she never says it anymore- probably because we’re beyond the authority figure part of our relationship. if only she knew that her words would make me an expert at keeping dust off of the other side of the bed and decent men out of my heart…
Jay´s last blog ..It’s the End of the World… as I Know It
All mothers say things that wound us and damage us permanently I think. They didn’t mean it the way we take it but still 30 years later and more we remember those words and promise if we ever have daughters we will not do this to them. Sadly we will probably come up with something else that seems innocent to us but to them would haunt them well into their 30’s and beyond.
My own mother’s phrase was to tell me what a pretty face I had and if only I’d lose some weight… Yep as if being a chubby child, a chubby teenager, a chubby adult makes me less worthy of being loved. It set me up to yearn for attention, any attention, to accept attention from unworthy boys/men because I figured that if they were interested in me I was the lucky one.
It taught me to settle when it came to matters of the heart.
But I’ve come to realize that these were her issues and not mine. Just like this thing is your mother’s issue and you can and will overcome because you are awesome! And for the record you are loved – a lot! <3
Tricia´s last blog ..So that cold….
I’m sorry because the Kiss song “I was made for lovin’ you” is now stuck in my head. And even though so much of what you’re saying hits so very close to home for me… I’m stuck on the damn song.
If you’ve never heard “Paid my Dues’ by Anastasia, you should. (Because that’s the other thing that comes to mind when I read this post) Email me and I’ll hook you up!
MsDarkstar´s last blog ..Non-Coffeehouse Sunday Post
I feel you on this one, girl. Divorce made me feel as if everything was wrong with me. You are loveable, and you’re right: you are such an important someone. xo
Amy — Just A Titch´s last blog ..The Unbloggables
Hey, not for me to say,I’m one of those asshole idiots.You seem to be that strong and independent woman that always attracted me, but somehow scared me away? Keep on being you. You can’t go wrong with that. Apologizes from me and my ilk, and congradulations for being you and yours.
I have that voice in my head too. That somehow if I’d been “good enough” my marriage wouldn’t have failed. If I’d been a “good wife” I could have convinced him to have children, to be a husband, to grow up.
But all of that is foolishness.
This is the right struggle, Cathy. To find that place in your heart where YOU ARE ENOUGH with or without a man, with or without ANYTHING.
And the struggle doesn’t ever stop. I slip back into seeking other’s approval, other’s “okay” for my life.
But you are a whole, beautiful person who stands tall with your face toward the sun. Nothing–not your mother’s voice, not your ex-husband’s carelessness, not your own insecurity–really changes what you truly are. Acceptance will come. Slowly, painfully, but it WILL COME.
Jennifer McKenzie´s last blog ..Welcome
Damn right you are somebody. You’re a terrific and wonderfully complex somebody who has an amazing life and an amazing future ahead of her.
Don’t forget it.
Kim´s last blog ..Songs in my Head
Moms are nuturers, supposedly, not all moms nuture their children as they should. (not to say yours didnt, but they are suppose too). They mold who you, we are today. But, you do have the right to change the way your are today, but you cannot look back at the bad, the ugly, or words you heard as a child. It is hard and difficult to move on, but you must and I think you are and I hardly know you. Stay strong, think positive, and tell everyhting or everyone else negative to kiss your a…..!
well, “in my opinion”
Your mother and your father did a great job at raising you for others to love. I don’t think it was meant to be about others being in love with you or other’s acceptance of you – it was probably more about a broader definition of “love” -
From Wikipedia: “Love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationships . . .”
From Websters: “Love – affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests; the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration; strong affection for another arising out of kinship; warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion”
whether they are love relationships, business, friends, social, neighborly, or even the ones where the relationship is about not liking someone but getting along with them . . . you are a classy lady; you are wise and you are willing to share your wisdom with others; you are giving, caring, nurturing, charming, crazy fun, and so much much more. People watch you, they learn from your actions and your words, they relate to you and are encouraged by you, your strength and determination and your ability to show people “the not so easy dark side”.
What I’ve learned: If a person walks away from another person / a relationship (regardless of the type of relationship) the person that walked away made a decision, a choice and its ALL on them.
So – YOU ROCK THAT NAUGHTY LIST – you will do it with style, grace and enthusiasm . . . and we will love that about you too !
- just saying . . . “in my opinion”
HUGS
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