Surrender
After a difficult evening and a night filled with fitful sleep, heart-wrenching dreams and waking up this morning in tears, I’m just done for now.
So after a good long run of reaching out, of leaving the doors to my heart wide open, of trusting the actions of those I love to send the same message as their pretty words, of sharing my hurts so that they can be turned into a road map for breaking a friendship and my poor heart, I’m retreating. For a little while. Until it doesn’t hurt so badly. Until I don’t see the faces of the people I’ve disappointed and the people who have disappointed me when I close my eyes.
Snow is in the forecast for tomorrow. I’m going to go have a few drinks with some friends tonight, and then I’m going home. I’m going to my house, my little farmhouse tucked into a mountain cove, where people are reluctant to make the long and lonely drive to grace my doorstep. Where I’m safe from the hurts of the world, where my raw soul can find safe haven, peace, perhaps a little healing.
I’m going to start a fire in the wood burner, and hope that in doing so, I can relight the fire in my heart. It will be nice to get cozy, to put my feet up, to drink stiff drinks and wait for the snow, and hope that it can wash my soul in white and make it clean again.
Because right now, I can’t make the decision to face the world with hopeful eyes and a bright smile. Right now? I just don’t want to face the world at all. So I won’t, for awhile.
And you’re back out on the street.
And you’re tryin’ to remember.
How will you start it over?
You don’t know if you can.
You never thought you’d be alone… this far down the line
So you live from day to day, and you dream about tomorrow
And the hours go by like minutes
and the shadows come to stay
So you take a little something to
make them go away
Another love has come and gone
And the years keep rushing on
I remember what you told me before you went out on your own:
“Sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone.”- eagles
10 comments
That’s my favorite Eagles’ songs and one of my all time favorite songs.
I’m glad you have your sanctuary.
Kim´s last blog ..Open Letters Friday, Volume XII
I wish I had place tucked into a mountain cove, that would be awesome.
zipcode´s last blog ..A PSA on UnSafe Sex
Cause you can’t jump the track,we’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe
MsDarkstar´s last blog ..Something to believe in…
Remember– just a few stiff drinks.
Mr. Apron´s last blog ..An Open Letter to Tiger Woods
Sometimes the best thing we can do is take a little time and be with ourselves. Hope you find the peace you are looking for.
Dani´s last blog ..Of course santa is a scenester, have you seen that beard?…
A heroine must sometimes retreat to live to fight another day. We’ll be here for ya.
nicopolitan´s last blog ..Robotics
I’D make the drive to your house. And I’d bring a couple bottles of wine. Chin up. Things will look better tomorrow morning.
chasingparadise´s last blog ..The ceremony
I envy you your sanctuary. I relate to your need to retreat… more than I can convey. And I love, love, love your honesty.
I also hope that this retreat of yours still has the internet and that you will continue to write while you are there. Hang in. And come back to this sometimes nasty, frequently overwhelming, but occasionally breathtakingly beautiful public world outside the sanctuary.
emma´s last blog ..Best 09: Day Four
No one wants to make the drive out in the boonies to see me either.
I’m sorry you’re sad, hope that you are feeling better today and snug inside with your wood burner with snow flying outside.
Tricia´s last blog ..Sorry for the silent week…
“When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed
That with the sun’s love, in the spring
Becomes the rose” – lyrics from “The Rose”
Sending you hugs, and hugs, and hugs . . .
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