Fate, Free Will, Love and Two Headed Humans
Oh, hi there! Where have I been since Thursday? Well, I’ve been cleaning like a crazy woman. I’ve also been thinking, with a concerted effort towards not thinking like a crazy woman. Results were mixed.
A long time ago, in a land far far away, I believed in soul mates and fate and fairy tales and happily ever afters. My evidence for these theories? My very own happily ever after. The wasbund and I were meant for each other; we were meant to be together, I was fated to meet him and marry him and live happily ever after. The philosophical and the personal fit in a neat box, tied with a pretty bow. We all know how that worked out for me.
When your marriage ends you largely set your philosophical concerns aside. There are property divisions to negotiate, broken hearts to mend, and the immediate and practical concerns of such a momentous change overtake anything abstract. The mere emotional processing of the split and the circumstances that led to it were more than enough to deal with.
So now that my poor little heart has some fresh pink skin where the wounds once were, and I face the likely possibility that love lies waiting beneath the last few frosts of early spring? Those philosophical questions tumble around in my head and heart while I’m cleaning out my oven and mopping my hardwood floors.
The whole idea of soul mates comes from Greek mythology; the story of humans roaming the Earth with four legs and two heads and getting too big for their britches, inspiring Zeus to cut them in half to force them into humility. So the story goes that we spend our lives searching for our “other half”. It is a very nice story, despite a little gore, and it certainly resonates with the human condition…
I also think maybe it’s a huge part of the problem, the idea that we are half-beings searching for wholeness and completion. It is the kind of story that the wasbund’s wife would have loved and cherished and clung to.
This girl doesn’t feel like a half. She feels pretty damn whole, thank you very much. She would love to have a man in her bed every night, she would be very happy to cook someone’s dinner while he mows the yard, she loves to love and wants very much to exercise that part of herself. She would still have a pretty sweet life if she never had those things, though. Wistful, sure, but lost and lesser than? No.
Still, I cannot let go of the belief that love improves us; it calls us to a higher self and offers us joy and comfort that make us greater than we were without it. Even the possibility of love has already made me lighter, softer, less likely to throw things and yell at pe0ple. Well, a little, anyway.
The idea that there is one perfect mate for each of us is one I always ascribed to. Now that it has become personally inconvenient, I wonder- is there really only one right answer to the question of mate selection? Or are there only so many different kinds of puzzle pieces, thus meaning that any number of people might fit together well enough? Or is it a mix of the two- that there are people in this world that we are supposed to love? Supposed to love and lose? Supposed to love and keep?
So what about free will? I’ve long subscribed to the theory that love (as in the verb) is a choice, that we decide to nurture or starve our relationships. Do we exercise that free will independent of fate? Is it fated that we will exercise our free will to maintain or destroy the bonds of love? Does fate merely open the door, and we walk through it or decline to do so of our own free will?
Can it really be as easy as finding someone who delights you, that you share common values with and feel a strong attraction to and deciding to make something of it? Does your success or failure result from fate or free will, or a mix of both? Can you create your happily ever after?
I guess all of this philosophical meandering comes down to one very real and concrete question: how do you know when it’s right? How do you know when to surrender and give in and allow your heart to give your logical mind a run for its money?
If it comes down to an emotional and ethereal knowing, that scares me. Because I didn’t think that there was any more certain knowing than what I once knew. But as it turns out?
I didn’t know a damn thing.
9 comments
Is it wrong that my first reaction after reading this post was being jealous of you that you mop your hardwood floors?
What does that say about me?
I am not so sure about free will anymore. I don’t think there was any way, any possible way I could have met my wife and not fallen in love with her. The meeting was very much up to chance, but the falling in love was rather mandatory.
I’m very happy to be the first commentor on this particular post. I wish I knew if I was whole or not, though. But, whole or not, I’m always happy to be first.
.-= Mr. Apron´s last blog ..The Cake Up My Ass =-.
As someone who is recently married, I think I’m supposed to say that I believe in soul mates. Only, I don’t. Yes, I love my husband – more than anyone else on the planet, save myself. Do I believe he’s the only one in the world that would have loved me or made me happy? Absolutely not. But he’s the one I chose, because I like who he is, so much.
.-= StaceyParadise´s last blog ..Vegas Vegas Vegas (Also, I’m awkward.) =-.
After three spectacular failures (and many more fizzling failures) in the arena of Love I have come to the conclusion that it is far better for me to be uncoupled. 2 of the 3 have gone on to very happy, successful relationships after me, so… the problem wasn’t THEM.
I don’t feel incomplete. I *DO* feel “fatally flawed”. And I definitely consider myself “damaged goods”.
Wish I had some words of wisdom but, honestly, I’ve got nothing but sincerest wishes that YOU will find your “happily ever after”.
.-= MsDarkstar´s last blog ..Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place…(3) =-.
I was 21 and he was 19 – we met at a graduation party in June. . . a simple look back, a simple kiss, a simple thank you note for a nice evening, a simple follow up call for the thank you note . . . we started dating in September that year (after I moved back), we were engaged in November and married the following May . . . we will celebrate our 23rd wedding anniversary this year. It’s not that we are soul mates, it’s not that we are “alike” or “complete opposites” – it’s that where I end he begins and where he ends I begin – for 23 years now, I make the coffee in the morning and he pours it.
I think your heart will let your head know when its love
If you ever get tired of cleaning your house, will please come on over and clean mine. I don’t think I even know what to do with a mop, as my floors can attest.
I’ve come to believe I will never know a damn thing. It’s kinda liberating.
.-= emma´s last blog ..Blooming Mondays: March 08, 2010 =-.
[...] lovely blogger I know, Cat, questioned the existence of soul mates. I commented saying that I don’t believe in them. I [...]
I’ve always believed in soul mates in the sense that there are multiple people who help you evolve throughout life. Yes, they may not be forever, but they’ve taught you something along the way. You, plural speaking, of course
.-= Molly´s last blog ..slacker sunday: revisited. =-.
When I was a young girl (like I am really all that old now!) I beleived in soul mates. But as time went on and I dealt with my fair share of assholes I came to a realization. I now beleive that we do have ONE soul mate but not necessarily in a marital bliss sort of way. There is going to only be ONE person in our lives that we completely love and 100% resonate with. I have already met and lost that person, my grandmother. There will never be anyone that I can love as completely or in the same nature as I did with that woman. And even though I have already met and lost her, I am still capable of loving another, just not the same way. And I think that is where we get confused. Love isn’t some sort of category. How I love my children isn’t how I will love another family member or significant other. Even within my own children, the love is different. At the same time it doesn’t make one type of love lesser or better than another. Just different. And with this love there will be a time to say goodbye and suffer the loss. Whether through death or just departure in the living world, it’s necessary. Love brings out the best side of us but also forces us to look deeper at ourselves. Only through love (even if it’s just loving ourselves) can we truly see our faults. Love can make us a better person. And with the loss of love is the test on our endurance. The ability to see how we cope, if we survive it, and if we learn from it.
MsDarkstar – have you considered the possibility that you made those people better through your involvement with them? it doesn’t sound so much like the problem is you, sounds more like you contributed so much to them that they grew. When you love a flower and care for it, what happens? Think of them as that flower and take pride that you contribute to their happiness.
.-= Angela´s last blog ..It’s Finally Completed – Crafty Sunday =-.
[...] lovely blogger I know, Cat, questioned the existence of soul mates. I commented saying that I don’t believe in them. I [...]
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