When I’m looking for something to buy, and I can handle less than immediate gratification, I order it online. I find exactly what I want, at a price I can deal with, put the bitch in my cart and hit “checkout”.

How anyone thinks this is a reasonable venue for finding love is beyond me.

We’ll ignore the fact that you can’t look for love- it’s like chasing happiness (see quotes, Thoreau)- and just concentrate on the logistics. First, there is my utter inability to look past the poor use of spelling, grammar or text-shorthand.  Second, there’s too much narrowing criteria and no verification. Sure, you say you’re “athletic”, but according to whose standard? And do I really have any business adding that to a search filter when the extent of my own athletic prowess involves fishnets and pom poms or chasing wildflowers? That’s too much thinking. I like to do my over-thinking once I’ve gotten a little more attached. Starting out of the gate with that kind of mind-fuck is just too exhausting.

This post, though. This post is incredible. This post makes me want to do the same thing- a no holds barred dating profile. Since I’m not that kind of girl, I will torture you all with it.

Favorite things:

critters of all kinds, plants, dark chocolate, vodka, strong coffee, pig in all forms, holding down the couch, scenic drives, camping, hiking (as long as there is a point- a view, wildflowers, a picnic), old black and white movies, writing, the interwebz, sweaters, pedicures, white wine, taking pictures, reading, cooking, flowers, pens, laying on the beach, napping, hot baths and sex.

Last read:

The last book I read was a cheesy romance novel gifted to me by the girl sitting next to me on a flight. It made me want to put a pen in my eye. The book I read before that was “The Senator’s Wife”, and it was very good, but the ending? Pen in my eye.

Religion:

There’s a fine line between Saturday night and Sunday morning. I cross it regularly. Spiritual, not religious, blah, blah.

My Job:

I’m an Accounting Manager. Which means I am an accountant and a manager, though my managerial authority is pretty damn narrow. If this intimidates you, if it gives you any pause at all, move along. Not because I expect you to be more accomplished than I am, but because if you had any confidence or self esteem at all, you wouldn’t bat an eyelash. Next, please.

About Me:

I idle at difficult. See also: am a handful. Here’s the thing. I had a dog once; trained him from a pup. That sweet dog had everything he could have ever hoped for: a nice soft bed, good food, lots of treats and fetch and frisses and scritch. My expectations for him were directly proportionate to what I gave in return. I gave him the world, and in return, I accepted no less than what I deserved. Expect to be treated the same way.

My affection comes with a price, and that price is respect and reciprocity. My intensity measures at approximately the same wattage as the Sun. There are advantages and disadvantages to this, and you will be expected to endure the disadvantages if you are benefiting from the advantages. I’m a great cook, a smart cookie, a ton of fun and have been referred to in the sexual sense as “a firecracker”.  What more do you need to know? Oh, I will write about you on the internet. I hope that’s okay. Actually, while we’re at it, I will write about damn near anything on the internet. You should probably be okay with that.

To review: bullshit tolerance- zilch. Enough intensity to knock the wind out of your chest- check. The most devoted love you will ever know- check. Patience- zilch.

I try really hard to keep the crazy in check for your safety and protection. You should know, though, that I keep it behind a little glass door, which you can break using the following recipe:  send mixed messages, repeat.

About my match:

You are a grown up. You have a job you like, you pay your bills, your house is relatively clean and you don’t eat potato chips and beer for dinner (most nights, anyway). You are capable of communicating on an adult level. You mean what you say, and if you change your mind, you’re transparent about it. You know a good thing when you have it. Game is fun at first, but you need to know when to put the game on the shelf and be real with me. Hint- it’s generally after we decide not to see other people. You put up with my bad habits, unless you’re willing to ditch your own in return for asking me to ditch mine. You’ve ordered flowers before and are willing to do it again. You return your messages. You have a lust for life, and you aren’t afraid of love. When you make what should be a clear statement, you do not rely on qualifiers the likes of which I would see on a used car ad. Last but most certainly not least? When we decide to be exclusive, you will disable your dating profile. At the very least, you won’t check it instead of returning my messages.