Fake It Till You Make It

I am not a patient person. My trademark intensity is just flat out incompatible with any measure of patience. Either I could give a frog’s fat ass about something or OMFG I WANT IT NOW WANT WANT WANT NOW NOW NOW. This is the way of my people.

However, it would appear that the male gender, and one particular member of the male gender especially, finds this mindset… intimidating. Irrational. Unhealthy.

*grumble*

So, while I still have not found the magic cure for impatience (though ativan works nicely in a pinch), I am making a very strong effort to fake it till I make it. Here is a list of things you can do to distract yourself when you are trying to pretend to be patient:

• Read everything in your Google Reader. EVERYTHING.
• Go through that file drawer you’ve been ignoring for 2.5 years.
• Clean your house. As in hosing off all of your houseplants and changing all the batteries in your flashlights.
• Whine on Twitter.
• Whine on Facebook- but this one is tricky, because you can’t be *too* obvious about what you’re whining about.
• Find the Southpark Facebook episode online so B can watch it.
• Clean out your purse.
• Clean out your work email.
• Clean out your personal email.
• Clean out your tote bag.
• Think about how long it would take to thoroughly organize your portable hard drive.
• Make a list of all the things you will need to get done when you can see straight again.
• Enlist girlfriends to text you, just to make sure your phone is working properly.
• Attempt to determine any discernible difference between someone in your gchat list that is offline versus someone that is invisible.
• Unpack your suitcase, because you don’t want to have to unpack it later all sadface.
• Think this is bad karma and put the stuff you keep in your suitcase permanently now back in there to ward off any bad luck.
• Spew The Crazy all over your beloved friends, who will feed you reassurance and roast beef sandwiches and just generally love on you.
• Take a deep breath and wonder if you are being dishonest when you say you can be patient.
• Decide that if you’re not spewing the crazy on him, he has no right to expect anything better.
• Feel guilty about that.
• Decide to have Taco Bell for dinner.
• Decide not to have Taco Bell for dinner because you are kind of gaining weight and you kinda don’t like it and you are such a crazy lying bitch about this patience thing that all you deserve is dry shredded wheats (at least they are frosted, though).
• Check your email for the eleventy hundredth time.
• Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are being patient, and this is not so much what it should probably look like.
• Decide that you are having Taco Bell for dinner after all, because every ounce of your willpower is being used to prevent you from sending some sort of text/chat/email that looks like this:   OMFG YOU ARE KILLING ME TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK AND HOW YOU FEEL NOW BEFORE I COME UP THERE AND TIE YOU TO A CHAIR.
• Consider seeking professional help.
• Realize you are already in therapy.
• Let the combination of these two revelations wash over you.
• Add a trip to the ABC store to your “after work” errand list.
• Write a blog post so that someday one or both of you can realize just how fucking crazy you really are…

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