Turbo Turd
A friend of mine was stressed out over her to do list. Too many things, too little time, and a deadline for all of it- her lucky ass was preparing for a cruise. I offered to do her taxes for her, to take something off of her plate. This is what happens when you’re friends with an accountant. I can’t help you pick out the best pair of shoes to go with your new dress, I am not the person you want helping you with home projects or auto repairs, and I’m not much of a mover (unless you want your breakables packed- I excel at that), but I can do some damn taxes.
Except she uses Turbo Tax. Okay. Fine. Easy, right?
Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wronger, wrongest.
Is there are more worthless piece of shit in the universe? I say no.
She basically paid $89.95 for a website to treat me like a five year old.
Everything was rocking right along until I came to the K1.
Do you have a K1?
Yes.
Enter your business revenue.
Wait, what? No, it’s not a business. It’s an estate. Where is that question? What?
Enter your business expenses.
THERE AREN’T ANY. THERE IS NO BUSINESS. IT IS AN ESTATE. WHERE IS THAT QUESTION?
We have created a Schedule C for your business.
NO! DON’T DO THAT! I DON’T NEED A SCHEDULE C. I NEED THE SPOT ON THE LONG FORM FOR MY K1 AMOUNTS!
Sorry, too late. Schedule C created. Your audit risk is now 23498982374982374%.
Is it a trust or estate?
FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! HOW DO I DELETE SCHEDULE C?
Enter the name of the estate.
FINE. <entered name of estate>
Check the boxes on the K1 that have amounts on them.
<check, check, check>
Enter those amounts here.
<enter, enter, enter>
Congratulations! We’ve finished your Income section!
WHERE IS MY COOKIE
Now we will start the eleventy hundred deduction screens.
NO, NO, NO, I JUST NEED MORTGAGE INTEREST, PROPERTY TAXES AND DONATIONS.
Do you have a child?
NO, MY WOMB IS UNUSED AND HOLLOW. HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO MY MOTHER?!
Are you a full time student?
MORTGAGE INTEREST, PLZ. I HAS IT.
Are you blind?
I MIGHT BE, BECAUSE YOU FUCKERS MIGHT GIVE ME A GODDAMNED STROKE IN A MINUTE.
Would you like to join Mint.com?
NO, I WOULD LIKE TO ENTER HER *(@#&$*($&* MORTGAGE INTEREST AND PROPERTY TAXES.
Do you own a home?
YES! YES I DO! HA! I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING IN MY THIRTY YEARS! oh wait. YES, SHE OWNS A HOME.
<enter mortgage interest and property taxes>
Eleven screens later….
Did you make any charitable donations?
YES.
Enter them here, by item.
<HEAD EXPLODES>
I ended up having to go through the whole thing and then go back to the summary to delete Schedule C. If my stomach hadn’t been upset, I would have probably been drunk at that point.
Yeah, I know the IRS is seven shades of ridiculous, but I will take their nice, thick instruction booklet and a 1040 long form that smells like the library any day over paying $89.95 for a mini-stroke.
5 comments
On GMA a ” math whiz” used Turbo tax and owed 5 grand. She didn’t think it’s was right & had an accountant check it. She ended up with a 5 grand refund. Says a lot!
.-= Angela ´s last blog ..A Short Hiatus =-.
I love how you sum it up at the end. The booklet that smells like the library…ha!
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Back in the Saddle: Mini-Posts =-.
You my dear are a very rare breed . . . an accountant with flair and personality during tax season !
Experiences like this are why it’s worth it to me to pay my hyperactive accountant what I pay him, even though I only understand half of what he says and his hair scares me.
Oh my god! I about died laughing!
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