What’s In A Name…
I’m not changing my name when the divorce goes through. Reactions to my decision have varied. Daddy hides it well, but I know that if it were his decision, I would be taking my maiden name back. My family sends me cards and packages without a last name, or they use my maiden name as my middle name- it bothers them to write my married name.
I understand where they’re coming from, but I can’t escape the feeling that they don’t quite understand where I’m coming from. That it confuses and probably irritates my former mother in law is amusing at worst and delicious at best, but I wish my own family were less confused and irritated.
I would be lying if I tried to say that it has nothing to do with my maiden name being hard to pronounce and spell, because that definitely counts for a part of my decision, but it’s so much more than that.
My name is a part of my identity.
I haven’t been verybadcat maidenname since I was twenty years old. Verybadcat maidenname did not know how to cook. She didn’t understand the force and nature of her own power in this world. She worried more about earning your approval than whether you were worthy of hers. She believed in fairy tales and happily ever afters, and was blissfully ignorant as to exactly how much force of will and hard work they require from all involved parties. She was a great girl, but she was incredibly innocent and naive.
Taking back my maiden name feels like regression. It feels like an attempt to erase the past decade of my life. It feels like being stripped of my identity. It also feels like a big fat pain in the ass.
Verybadcat married name owns a house. She’s enrolled in college. She has a decent career. She knows how to cook, she can run a woodburner like no one’s business. She’s been through hell and back. Walked through fire, and seemingly, on water when she’s had to. She’s loved and lost and picked the pieces up off the floor, dusted them off, and glued herself back together. She’s done things she never thought she could or would, and even the things that are not worthy of pride and praise have helped make her who she is. She wants to make sure that you’re worth it before she concerns herself with your opinion of her. She’s realized the full worth of herself and her love. She knows better.
Sure, the wasbund gave me his name when we married. Over the past ten years, though, I’ve made it my own.
Ten years ago, I would have changed my name to please my father. I would have changed my name to avoid any conflict or misunderstanding with the wasbund, his family, and a second wife someday. I would have filed a bazillion pieces of paper with a bazillion businesses and agencies and changed my work email and my personal email. I would have resented it and felt humiliated, overwhelmed and victimized.
Verybadcat marriedname will roll her eyes when she gets a piece of mail from her family without a last name on it, and remind herself how much they love her. She told the wasbund just not to marry another Catherine if he was that concerned about it. She’s keeping her name and her identity intact because it’s what she wants to do and what she thinks is best for her.
That difference is precisely why I’m keeping my name.
I dare someone to tell me I haven’t earned it.
18 comments
I say you do whatever makes you happy. Simple as.
I kept my married name. I have my reasons, just as you do. I feel it is our right and there is nothing wrong with it. In fact, my ex is remarried now, and I share the same last name as his new wife. It doesn’t bother me, it doesn’t bother him, and I don’t give a shit if it bothers her. Its my name, just try to take it from me.
Stand your ground, don’t let anyone bully you on this one.
SUCH a strong and personal decision and I commend you for doing what’s right for YOU. You go you verybadcat you.
ooh, interesting points. i see this same issue from the other perspective. see, magnolia birthname was confident, overflowing with the promise of life and the firm belief that whatever she wanted was HERS for the taking. magnolia marriedname, up until very recently, was someone content to drift on whatever came along. complacent. go along to get along. insecure. desperate to ingratiate herself to those who offered even a semblance of friendship.
i am very, very ready to throw off those shackles. i remember what it was like to feel strong. taking back my birth name, for me, is reassuming the mantle of power i had before i gave it up. i come from strong, tough stock. i want to reconnect to it.
names are so powerful. it’s funny how it cuts so differently for each of us, eh?
Good for you, honey. Although I’m in the opposite situation. I want to keep my maiden name when I get married and my bf wants me to take his surname. Either way. It’s just a name, and if keeping your married name makes you happy – do it!! And yes, you earned it
You got to do what’s best for you and eventually everyone will get used to you keeping your married name.
If I ever get married I think I’d keep my last name. Maybe I will feel different if I was getting married but I just don’t see any reas0n for me to change it.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by verybadcat13, Ronnie Swafford. Ronnie Swafford said: A beautiful perspective and a definite must read ~ RT @verybadcat13: new post! What's In A Name http://ow.ly/18ekIg [...]
I wish my soon-to-be-ex felt the same way as you Cat. I don’t think she can soon enough strip herself of my name. She tried to get me to agree to let her change our kids’ last names. Uh-uh. Hell no, no way on that! If you want to keep your name or change your name, that’s your choice. My kids’ will have that choice when they’re no longer financially dependent on me.
So good for you for defending your right to the name you want to use. Just don’t worry about him marrying a Catherine, at least not for his 2nd wife.
I didn’t even know you were MARRIED let alone getting divorced. I need to catch up on you. However, I agree that you are making the right decision with regards to keeping your name. Would I? Probably not. But that’s because I don’t really want to change my name when/if I get married in the first place
Hope you find your vacation hubbie soon!!
Rock on. My mom kept her married name after she and my dad got divorced.
I used to think I wanted to keep my married name, but since I only had it for 3 years, I changed it back…but I can totally understand all of your valid reasons. At first it was scary to switch it back, but now, I feel like me again. But that’s just me.
You know, this all seems logical to me. On top of the symbolism and all that entails, changing your name back sounds like it would be such a pain in the ass.
From the “family” who left off the last name . . . uuhhhmmm . . . you’ve always been “cattails” to me and your little sis “sis cattails” (her card did not arrive with a last name either) . . . I was just feeling warm and cozy and close (and not so formal) when I wrote and addressed them. Noted for more formal correspondence
. . . but when I’m feeling all warm inside thinking about you . . . “Ms. Cattails” . . . I just want you to know it from the moment you open the mailbox !
and for the record . . . at this point in life . . . because of who I have become and what I have accomplished – I wouldn’t change my last name either.
ooh, sensitive! yeah, it was your card that prompted the post, but everyone does it. Mom, Daddy, etc. They don’t do it because they’re feeling cozy…
Good for you – I love the idea of “earning” your name.
A very interesting perspective. I’ve dealt with the issue on the other side (taking the name) but never thought of this part of it. It’s weird how much of our identity is based on our names.
go girl…my mom kept her married name after divorcing my dad. I loved verybatcat maidenname, and I love verybadcat marriedname, too!
GOOD FOR YOU! Not sure I would be as strong as to make the same decision. Totally applaud it! Very well articulated.
Leave a Comment