Category — critters

I knew this would be a crazy week. I knew there was a lot going on, and I knew that I was not in the best place I could be to handle it.

That doesn’t prevent me from being surprised and scared when I realize I’m getting my ass kicked.

Everything is okay in the larger sense. I know where I’m going, and I know how to get there. This is just the part of the trip that always fucks me up. Like night time construction. The road is all bumpy, the lanes shift, traffic moves too fast for comfort but too slow for my taste. The bright lights that make work safer for the crews blind me, so that I navigate the mess half blind, heart racing, white-knuckled at ten and two, praying for smooth open road up ahead.

My frustration with the uncertainty at work boiled over yesterday. I had a very frank and frantic discussion with a Human Resources executive, and he was kind and concerned and helpful- as he always is- but he doesn’t have the key to my chains. If it is rattling around in his pocket, he still has to pretend that all that clinking is spare change.

I called the doctor’s office and told the PA about Friday’s incident. As I predicted, I got my lecture on skipping meals. In a more unpredictable move, she wrote me a prescription for a blood sugar meter, asked me if I was still living alone, and directed me to give instructions to my friends and coworkers should they find me unconscious. Which reminded me yet again that despite the kindness of strangers, despite my overwhelming number of blessings in the form of loving friends, I am no one’s responsibility. If some how, some way, I should have another episode like Friday’s while I’m home alone, I could die. And just when I was chiding myself for being overly dramatic, the pharmacist who very sweetly took the time to show me how to use the meter, said just that. This is very serious, you need to pay close attention to your body, to your meals, to your test results when you are home alone. Because you could die. Which I still think is awfully melodramatic.

The third person to remind me how much sugar is in alcohol got the defensiveness and fear in the form of anger that the first two helped build. These people are worried about me, they’re worried about me getting sick if I drink. I’m worried about me too, it’s just that I’m more worried about going completely fucking insane if I don’t do something to calm my frayed nerves. Sadly, it is my doctor’s concern that I not rely too heavily on anxiety meds when I’m anxious that leads me down the path of least resistance. Still. I hardly think that a few drinks a few times a week constitutes a lecture or any concern, and as far as the sugar? I’m being very careful to eat at least a little something every four hours, per the PA’s instructions. And if I normally enjoy a few drinks, don’t I need to understand how that affects my blood sugar?

The last straw, the very last straw yesterday was the mail. I stayed late at the bar, both because I was enjoying myself and because I have to be able to drive myself home safely and legally, because I can’t just not go home. Because there isn’t anyone to drive me home. I pulled up to my mailbox in the wee hours of the morning and pulled out a postcard with a picture of a beautiful German Shepherd on the front. Adicus is due for his rabies booster. The dam broke, and I sat at the mailbox,  in the opposing lane of traffic in a small break between switchbacks, laid my head on my steering wheel and let my wracking sobs pierce the cool night air.

In one small part of my life, someone else took the wheel yesterday. I turned over the file, put all the information in their hands, and they decided for me, and I let them. The relief washed over me. All the wondering and pondering and doubting and guessing- gone. In one instant. It isn’t that I’m relieved of owning the decision- you are never relieved of ownership- but the removal of power was better than heroin.

I am okay. I will be okay. I know where I’m going. I know how to get there. I know that if I concentrate, I can navigate this current construction zone.

In the same breath, though, I am beyond exhausted. I’m tired of driving. I passed the sign yesterday that says “no more rest stops for 75 miles”, and my limbs felt like lead and my eyes hurt and I could only put the windows down and turn the radio up loud and trust in my own ability to push ahead.

I wonder if I will ever stop missing that sweet loving dog, who, in his own dog way, protected me and looked out for me, who always came to me at the height of my desperation and laid his chin on my thigh with a deep whiny sigh and let my tears wet his fur while he nuzzled me in an attempt to comfort me. I’m here, I know you hurt, I love you, I see you and I hurt, I want to help.

I wonder if I will ever stop feeling cheated for being on my own. I wonder if I will ever find anyone that I can develop enough mutual trust and love with to let them take over when I’m so tired I can’t see straight. I wonder if I’ll ever again have someone to drive me home.

Who’s gonna tell you when
It’s too late
Who’s gonna tell you things
Aren’t so great
You can’t go on
Thinking nothing’s wrong
Who’s gonna drive you home tonight

You can’t go on
Thinking nothing’s wrong
Who’s gonna drive you home tonight
“drive” – the cars

My Darling Adicus,

Very soon, too soon, I will have to say goodbye to you. I will see you again, but I’m not sure when.  Please understand that your Daddy and I both love you very, very much. We both know that you are the best dog in the whole world, and it is our love and pride that motivate us to do what is best for you whether it is easy for us or not. This isn’t easy for me, not at all. The last thing in the world I want to do is say goodbye to you, but Mama and Daddy aren’t together anymore, and Daddy has more time for you. He can take you fishing, he can fetch you more. You deserve the best life we can make for you, and I’m consoled in knowing that you will have it.

The past few months have been precious to me. I did the very best I could to be the kind of Mama you deserve despite the fact that I’m not home much. That’s what it comes down to, my love: my best is not good enough for you. Not when your Daddy can do better. It’s not fair to any of us. So you’re going with your Daddy, and he will have the joy I’ve had for the past few months, and I will endure the pain and emptiness that he has endured. Our goal is that you not suffer any more than absolutely necessary, and I’m proud that we’ve done such a good job of it. You are going to be well loved and well cared for.

I want to tell you how grateful I am to have been your Mama.

Thank you for being such a good boy, for listening so well, for following the rules. Thank you for the times you didn’t follow the rules, because those were some of my best memories of our life together. Thank you for protecting me, for worrying about me when I was sad or sick or scared. Thank you for being such a good friend.

You’ve taught me leadership; how a leader carries themselves and how good leaders accept their status gracefully. Any doubt I had about my  maternal instincts and my capability to give a child the best part of myself is gone now, because you’ve given me the chance to see it in action.

I will miss you so very, very much. The kisses you cover me in when I come through the door. Your intelligence and witty humor. The tenderness and affection you give so freely. My heart breaks knowing that you won’t be here to lay your head in my lap or herd me into the kitchen to get your fetch ball. I will even miss fetch- throwing you the ball and cheering you on as you race after it and bring it back to me again, eyes bright and shining with hope that I’ll throw it again.

I’ll miss my co-pilot, the excitement you show over the slightest trip to the gas station, and the way you choke me with my seat belt when you’re trying to stick your head out the window. I’m grateful for our trips- the way you rest your chin on my armrest and lick my elbow till you drift off to sleep.

The cats will miss you too, I’m sure- your naps, your baths, and your sweet habit of breaking up their fights with the barn cats next door.

I’m grateful to you, my darling Adicus Badicus, for simply being the best dog a girl could ever have. You be good for your Daddy and go have the best life a dog can- one full of love and time and company and fetch and fishing. Mama will always love you, and she knows that she’ll bury her face in your fur again someday.

I love lilacs and avocados
Ukuleles and fireworks
And Woody Allen and walking in the snow
But you’ve got to know that

You’re the love of my life
You are the love of my life
You are the love of my life
You are the love of my life
From the moment I first saw you
The second that you were born
I knew that you were the love of my life
Quite simply the love of my life

I love Lucy and pumpernickel bread
The Statue Of Liberty and standing ovations
And falling into bed
But get it through your head that

You’re the love of my life
You are the love of my life
You are the love of my life
You are the love of my life
From the moment I first saw you
The second that you were born
I knew that you were the love of my life
Quite simply the love of my life

You can drive me crazy
You can drive me anywhere
Here are the keys
Just do as you please
It may not always be easy

But you’re the love of my life
My heart is riding on a runaway train
You are the love of my life
through all the pleasure and pain
From the moment I first saw you
I knew it right away
I knew that you were the love of my life
Simply the love of my life
You are the love
The great love of my life.

-Carly Simon “Love of My Life”