Category — gettin’ smart

…with heartfelt gratitude to Nicole for the prompt….

Choose to be better, not bitter. Leave the losses, failures and mistakes of the past behind; you aren’t the girl who suffered those heartaches. You’re the girl that learned from them and triumphed. Keep that without clinging to the haunting details of your pain.

Realize that looking too far down the road is just a sneaky way of looking over your shoulder. Live by your beliefs and values in the present and take heart- this is all you can and should do for tomorrow.

Honor your intuition. It isn’t paranoia, though it might feel that way when you obsess and over-think things. Let your feelings prompt the question instead of trying to answer it on your own.

Value your creative life as much as you value your business life, in recognition that they both provide sustenance necessary for your survival.  Money spent for travel has the highest return on investment of any discretionary purchase, high enough to warrant liberation from the discretionary column.

Stop continuing the work of people who want you to feel small and undeserving to serve their own needs and fears. No, seriously, stop. Because you know damn well they try to trick you into playing small and low out of sheer terror for who you might become. You’re a force of nature. Memorize the affection and appreciation in peoples’ faces when they’ve said this to you, and own it, already.

Understand that punishing yourself for receiving is the exact opposite of humility; guilt holds no more virtue than entitlement.

Keep a balance between your need for solitude and your tendency to hide behind it. Go out into the world before the walls start to close in on you at home.

Absolve yourself for failing to forgive those who’ve betrayed you. Accept as your penance: not begrudging them the compassion of others.

Remember that all love is a gift, and that any time you are working to earn it instead of honor it, something is very, very wrong.

When a man asks you to see only him, take the opportunity to share your expectations. Explain what commitment means to you, because most people do not comprehend it on the same level. Do not allow yourself to be put on the shelf one. more. time. by someone who isn’t capable of sticking around. Let the challenge of winning you over become the first they face in the relationship, so you can make an educated decision.

Just so we’re clear: if they are anything else than willing, capable and utterly devoted, your decision should be to get back out on the dance floor and enjoy yourself. You’ve lived on crumbs for far too long. You know in your heart you’re happier on your own than with someone who settles for a pale rendition of partnership.

Wear high heels and avoid men who are uncomfortable with a level gaze. You’ll save yourself a lot of time and irritation.

Stop excluding your own body from the awe and regard you have for the rest of nature, and always tend to it with at least the loving care you show your pets and plants. Sleep when you’re tired. Eat. Play. Be strong and healthy. See yourself through the eyes of others when the mirror is too unkind. Throw the fucking scale out. Throw. it. out. Do your pants fit? There you go, no scale necessary. If you really want a number to obsess over, test your blood sugar. Yeah, I thought so.

Make more time for your people. They miss you. So you hate the phone. Text. Write. Visit. Send cookies. Do whatever makes you happy, so long as it demonstrates how much they mean to you. Do this often and at regular intervals.

There are two things in this world that provide both security and freedom. One is love, the other is money. Be a good steward of both and you’ll find contentment.

Resist the lure of cattiness and drama. Time and energy are too precious to waste on anyone that provokes it.

You’re an entrepreneur now, and that means that the work/life balance is a murky shade of gray. This a huge change from corporate life. It’s also the very reason that you want so very much to succeed at this. Work is life, and life is work. The right work does more than earn a living. It makes a life. The marriage of these two functions is the summit of self-actualization. A touch of altitude sickness is perfectly normal, but don’t let it overtake you. Just breathe, be present, and keep climbing.

It wouldn’t hurt you to ask for help once in awhile. I’m just saying. It only means that you are sweet and smart enough to surround yourself with people who shore up your weaknesses. Just like using Google Maps on your phone, it keeps you from heading in the wrong direction needlessly.

I’ve long held a fascination with human nature. Had I gone to college right after high school, I would have pursued a psychology degree and opened a therapy practice. Sometimes I think that I didn’t make it to college then for my own good; the universe knew what it was doing when it delayed the beginning of my higher education. Psychology and sociology remain avid interests, but I’m damn sure I was never meant to earn a living as a counselor.

Every so often, someone questions me on this point. The most notable being my own therapist, and the most recent being one of my closest friends. I used to wonder why people who never knew I ever aspired to be a therapist would ask me why I didn’t take that path, what made people see me in that role without my prompting.

The best explanation came to me from an intimate colleague at the borg, a human resources manager. The amazing woman that took over all of the  duties I resented so intensely under the regime of a small business owner.

You’re a sin-eater.

The best therapists are merely mirrors; gently and lovingly revealing an objective reflection, unburdened by your own perception of yourself. It is offered up under a new light through careful and compassionate analysis for your own consideration. There’s an exchange of energy; the limbic connection that inevitably forms between people who engage in constant, rich and meaningful contact. New pathways are literally formed in a sea of neurons, which allows us to process and react to stimulus in a new and more healthy manner.

One of the better kept secrets in the mental health industry is the toll this exchange takes on practitioners. They become overwhelmed, depressed and disturbed for the very simple reason that mirroring tortured souls means reflecting healing energy towards them and receiving their negative energy. There are methods for properly processing the weight and lack of mutuality of therapeutic mirroring, but I have no desire to take on an occupation that requires a psychic shield. Particularly since I am sensitive to that energy and susceptible to the darkness myself.

Though I have avoided the ugly trap of making my living by eating the misery of others, I cannot always avoid the side effects of being a sin-eater in my personal life.

People become enamored of their reflection in my mirror. They find relief and perspective in the reflection I show them, and they attach that experience of relief to me personally. The crutch of narcissism overcomes them, and mesmerized by their own reflection, they become irrationally demanding of my time and attention. To add insult to irritation, they are motivated primarily by their hunger to have me hold up the mirror, and secondarily if at all by me as a person. I’ve learned that when someone is threatened by my own personal feelings, it’s the mirror they want, not the girl behind it. It isn’t their fault; they have a need, and they find a way to get it met, and that’s what humans do- anything and everything they can to get their needs met.

The problem lies in the space between what is appropriate in a mutually beneficial relationship and what they need.

I’ve become extremely protective of who I form emotionally intimate relationships with, because I’ve had a few that almost killed me. I held that mirror up until I had nothing left for even myself, and slowly died inside behind it. There was a time when I rather liked hiding behind the reflections of other people, because it allowed me to form attachments without subjecting myself to my own reflection.

Now I restrict that very inner ring of my social circle to people who certainly recognize and appreciate the mirror, but are motivated by their love and appreciation of the girl behind it. They are healthy and stable enough to self comfort, and they enter our interactions with energy that feeds as well as consumes. Not only are they willing and capable of mutual mirroring, but their expectations of what I can and should provide them are respectful and reasonable. They don’t approach me with hunger; they only want what is given freely and they only give with an open heart and without expectation.  This is what I strive to provide the people I love the most, and I have learned by now that I am not willing or capable of expecting less from them. This entire exercise of carefully choosing who I allow myself to bond with isn’t some kind of defense mechanism or dating strategy. It’s very simply a matter of life and death.

Sometimes it wrenches my heart to leave a raw and gaping inappropriate need unfulfilled; I have a great deal of empathy for the black holes that ache in the hearts of others. Other times, my anger gets the better of me. I’ve done a great deal of hard work to dull the ache and close in the edges of my own black holes; how dare anyone attempt to use my affection and attention to avoid their own hard work?! My outward response is always the same, in honor of my own self-preservation- denial and withdrawal.

It was pointed out to me recently that honest writing is quite possibly the most intimate act one can commit, because it isn’t mirrored. Which made me wonder if my drive to write is not motivated by a need to force myself to my own reflection. There’s a self-awareness in the process that undeniably has a therapeutic effect; laying my perspective on the page requires me to examine it closely and in meaningful way. I think this is why people react so intensely sometimes to what I post here; they see a part of their own reflection they were hiding from. By forcing myself to the mirror, I’ve tricked them into seeing those hidden pieces of themselves.

So I think it’s only wise that the inner chambers of my life and heart be reserved for those who are capable of stepping through the looking glass.

if it’s a mirror you want, just look into my eyes
or a whipping boy, someone to despise
or a prisoner in the dark
tied up in chains you just can’t see
or a beast in a gilded cage
that’s all some people ever want to be

you can’t control an independent heart…

-sting “if you love somebody set them free”