Today I am grateful for abundance. Not for materialistic things, not for excess, unlike the Thanksgivings of my past. Simple abundance. For feeling a little too warm and having to turn the heat down. For knowing that I have a few more leftovers than I can consume alone. For enough money to pay my bills and live a little. I will be as efficient as possible with my heater. I will take my leftover excess to friends and coworkers. I will be a good steward of my resources, because I’ve learned the hard way not to squander them. I’m thankful to have that opportunity.

My intangible assets are even more abundant. There is not enough room in my heart for all the love and support I receive from the people who surround me. The overflow is what feeds my sentimental nature. Resistance is futile; a girl can’t be anything but sentimental when she’s constantly overwhelmed by the affection of her family and friends. Opportunity. What an incredible blessing at this time in our economic history, to have an abundance of opportunity. To know that my dreams are in my grasp, that I have a chance to write on this world in permanent marker.

Today I’m thankful to be one of the luckiest girls in the world, and to have in abundance that which I have lived without.

Tricia, my longest standing internet friendship, my comrade in arms, my secret squirrel.

Nikki, the only preacher’s wife in existence willing to associate herself with yours truly…

Mandy, the lovely and talented photographer.

Courtney, my sweet redheaded songbird and Queen of Navigating Knoxville…

The gorgeous lollygagger, who’s well timed care packages have been a soothing balm for my wounds…

Steve, who shares the prettiest parts of Alaska with us.

Mr. Apron and his lovely bride- both entertaining in their own unique ways (read: she is classy, he is funny).

Derek, our resident Velveteen Rabbit.

Kim, who is always awarding me something and helping to keep my ego inflated.

Stephanie, my bestie from the way back when. I’m so very grateful to have found her again.

The lovely LiLu-  All hail the Queen of TMI!

Maxie, who clearly rocks.

Angela is ten times as fun in person as she is online. She’s helped me become more a part of the local social media scene, and I love her.

Kelby, Queen Mommyblogger of Asheville Otherwise Known as @typeamom. A hero of mine.

Jen, a dear freader and a REAL AUTHOR.

The lovely MsDarkstar. This woman is always sending me good smellin’ stuff and helping me with BIG IMPORTANT THINGS and is always in my corner. She’s too hard on herself. I love her.

Nicopolitan. I just adore this guy. We just seem to “get” each other.

Vanessa, who has had a difficult year but marches onward. I’ve been sending you good vibes, darling. We’re going to have great years in 2010. Healthy and happy and sane. I just know it.

Princess Pointful, who takes a few precious minutes to write me a note when I most need to get one.

Mrs. Chasing Paradise. A girl after my own heart.

Just A Titch.  A great lady- I’m grateful she found me this summer.

Dani, who is just hilarious. Thanks for making me laugh till my sides hurt.

For the record, I don’t believe you can know a blogger until you’ve met them in person, but I’ve met my fair share of bloggers, and I’ve never been disappointed. I’ve always been delighted.

In his post, Derek said: “The words are chosen because they’re part of the voice, and the voice is something that found the author…something the whole construct has a measure of control over.”

I’ve been thinking about that statement since I read it, and I’ve decided that it is the perfect explanation for my gratitude. You, each of you specifically, and You, all of you collectively, have changed my perspective and in so doing, have changed my life.

This year has been racked with upheaval, loss and turmoil in my personal life. There have been times that the raw force of it brought me literally to my knees in pure sorrow, exhaustion and exquisite heartache. Still, at my lowest points I felt a basic comfort, an appreciation for the depth and intensity of my emotion, and of the situation, accompanied by a curious detachment.  A deep-rooted understanding that suffering is just another part of the human condition.

That, lovers, is a gift given to me by all of you. We’ve taught each other that in each life a little rain must fall, that people who have never held your hand will clutch their heart when they read about your life, and most precious of all, that we will reach out to one another in love, encouragement and solidarity.

I love you all, and I thank you for changing the way I see not only your world, but mine as well.

I’m thankful for grape lifesaver flavored kisses, for sideways glances, for your unabashed appreciation of my figure. For the gentle squeeze of my hip when we kissed. For trying to pick me up at red lights and in traffic jams. For chewing off my pearl earrings. I love the way your sweat tastes when I kiss your chest. I still think about that first sweet kiss through an open car window… and the last sweet kiss the morning after. I’m grateful for the way your arm felt around my waist. I love that you rested your head on my stomach, and the way your whiskers felt on the inside of my thigh.

Thank you for buying me drinks at the airport, on my flights and occasionally in the bar. Though I might shoot you a disapproving look, thanks for the whistles and the catcalls, and for distracting me while I’m driving. I love it when you whisper something dirty in my ear in public.  Thanks for pinning me to the wall, for pulling me into your lap. Taking pleasure in my pleasure. Thanks for teaching me how to fly, for throwing me around like a sack of potatoes. For getting me tipsy and “taking advantage” of me.

You never let me pick up the tab when I offer. You rush to get the door for me, help me with heavy things, check my oil and stuff my A/C vent full of bubble wrap. You set me on fire with racy emails, chats and tweets. Thanks for dropping me off at the door. For offering to put your jacket in a puddle for me. For making emergency stocking runs. For having a few too many and sticking to me like glue all night. For stealing kisses in airport terminals. For running your fingers through my hair from your armchair while I fall asleep on the couch. For giving me a building tour in the dark. Thanks for opening jars, for fixing stuff, for telling me I look good. You make me laugh, you give me sweet dreams. Even when you infuriate me, it is nothing short of delicious torture.

Men, you make me crazy in all the best and worst ways. I’m thankful for you as a whole, and the few of you I’m specifically most grateful for? You know who you are…

How fortunate I am to live in one of the most beautiful places on Earth. The heart of the Southern Appalachians, where the days are warm and the nights are cool, and the scenery is always breathtaking. There is always somewhere to go and something to see. The Blue Ridge Parkway. The Great Smoky Mountain National Park. Hundreds and thousands of acres of National Forest. Rushing rivers and streams that are barely a trickle. People used to ask me why I moved from Atlanta to Asheville. “There’s nothing to do here!” Are you kidding me?! I’ve never heard such a ludicrous statement.

Western North Carolina is an incredible place to live. We have excellent food, plenty of entertainment, just enough shopping, and no matter where you are downtown, in thirty minutes you can find a picnic spot with an incredible view.

“In my heart and unlicensed judgment, the good Lord will place the Garden of Eden in North Carolina when he returns to Earth. He will do so because he will have so few changes to make in order to achieve perfection.” – Senator Sam Ervin

My flight from Asheville to Atlanta was wretched. My seatmate probably had not showered in the last seven weeks. He smelled like a mixture of wet dog and swiss cheese, and he put his oversized carry on between his feet, which  meant he took up more than his fair share of space. I couldn’t put the armrest down.

My connection was on concourse C, which is my favorite concourse, because there is an Atlanta Bread Company there. Here’s a hint from me to you: DO NOT EAT A TUNA SALAD SANDWICH AT THE AIRPORT. Even if it comes from Atlanta Bread Company. That fucking thing screwed me out of a date with one of my favorite people. Instead of dishing over drinks with one gorgeous lollygagger, I spent last night praying for merciful death. Luckily I was finally able to fall asleep, and was a lighter shade of green when I woke up this morning.

This is a gratitude post, though, so let me get on with the warm fuzzies.

Beyond being thankful for having a good job with a decent company, today I’m grateful to have had a chance to visit my friends at the mothership. There’s my friend in the IT department, who rescued me from the lobby when all of my finance peeps were stuck in traffic this morning. That was just his good deed for the day- he’s always saving my ass by resetting whichever of my seven hundred passwords I’ve forgotten, mapping some arcane network drive, and is a dear personal friend. Then there’s my Chicago mom, who tells me not to be self-conscious, bugs me about wearing my coat in this wet and chilly weather, and then sneaks me off of the grounds to take a real break for a few minutes. It had been way too long since I’d seen the manager they sent to infiltrate us right after we were acquired. I reminded him of a deep conversation we’d had the last time he was in town, and he didn’t remember. I was surprised, but then he asked me if we had been drinking. We always drink when we go out. We drink, and we talk, and I spill my guts, and he tells me what he thinks, and then says “for Christ’s sake, darlin’, don’t tell anyone else all of this!”. Seeing him was like coming home.

Mostly, though, I’m grateful for my high level Finance peeps. The ones who explain things to me, that give me tools and resources and ideas to make my job easier. The ones who don’t make me feel bad when I trip on the stairs and manage not to bust my face open, but do manage to spill coffee on them in the process. The ones who feed me well and genuinely enjoy my company. The ones who pick a place right down the road from my hotel, because we all know that I can’t find my way out of a paper bag. They tell me not to rush in in the mornings. They ask me if I want dessert. They make sure that I’m happy and comfortable and that I have what I need.

None of these people have to do what they do for me. They could easily just hand me an agenda and leave me to eat alone and solve my own problems. It would be less work for them to let me fend for myself, but they make the effort because they truly care about my success. Professionally and personally.

Come to think of it, Chicago is a pretty warm place after all.

There are things you should work on. Take better care of yourself. Try to soften that sharp tongue of yours. Remember that intensity and expression are good, but not at the expense of grace and dignity. Most of the time anyway. Figure out how the hell to get up on time, already. Watch that overly sensitive thing. Stop procrastinating. Leave no doubt in the minds of the people you love that they are special to you. Allow yourself to be humbled by your defeats and the people who helped you get to where you are.

Don’t settle for less than you deserve, and make sure that you deserve what you want. You have big dreams, and miles to go before you sleep. Finish your degree. Write more.  Dance more. Laugh more. Appreciate your hard-earned confidence, and the feeling of being comfortable in your own skin. Make the most of this incredible life you’ve built for yourself. In other words, rock on.

I’m proud of you. Happy 30th birthday.

Green-eyed lady, lovely lady
Strolling slowly towards the sun
Green-eyed lady, ocean lady
Soothing every ragin’ wave that comes
Green-eyed lady, passions’ lady
Dressed in love
She lives for life to be
Green-eyed lady feels life
I never see
Setting suns and lonely lovers free.

Green-eyed lady, wind swept lady
Rules the night, the waves, the sand
Green-eyed lady, ocean lady
Child of nature, friend of man
Green-eyed lady, passions’ lady
Dressed in love
She lives for life to be
Green-eyed lady feels life I never see
Setting suns and lonely lovers free

-the guess who “green eyed lady”

The venerable R and I have been friends for years now. It hasn’t always been easy or pretty, and I love her most for not giving up on me and being the kind of person I couldn’t give up on either. Her friendship is precious to me; we’ve shared a lot of victories and defeats together. I would tell you more, but then we would have to kill you. Seriously. Beyond her friendship, I’m grateful to know her as a person. She is strong and assertive (that’s why we call her the alpha!), smart as a whip, and fiercely loyal. She’s just plain fun to be around, and she can make one hell of a monkey tail. Some people believe that you have a friend that you call when you’re already in trouble, and another friend you call when you want to cause some trouble. Those people don’t know Rach. I love her like a sister, and I know where I would be without her. Wintering in Screwedtown and summering in Boringville. In Mom jeans.

B. Oh, B. She is so supportive. I don’t just mean that she listens to me and encourages me and asks the right questions. I mean that she helps hold me up.  I would be a disorganized, unintentionally anorexic mess wearing a permanent layer of pet fur and missing a thumbnail without her. She is the fortress around my office, fielding requests, fending off the unwanteds and just generally furthering our agenda. B is always there with the lint mitt and extra kleenex, organic yogurt smoothies, apple fritters or an apple wrapple. When my manager asked me which of my employees I would take into battle, I uttered her name without reservation or pause. He meant professionally, but that’s only half the story.  Also, her taste is impeccable, and she can be credited with introducing me to such things as cucumber sandwiches, the laughing cow, and velvet sin truffles.  If she made $20 every time I came to her cursing, crying or both with a big messy clusterfuck to be dealt with, she could retire.

I lost a lot of things this year, but I also gained a bestie. We’ve been mutual friends of R’s for years, and friends in our own right for quite awhile, but I really got to know her this year. I admire the hell out of her for her sense of balance. She is disciplined but fun as hell, understanding and compassionate but firm in her opinions, kind and generous but not willing to be taken advantage of. She’s given me some excellent advice, held me while I cried my eyes out, guided me through unfamiliar territory and opened up her heart and her home to me.  She is beautiful inside and out and smart as hell. If I am hot and smart enough to be a pain in the ass, she could be a living terror. She isn’t though, and that’s what I love about her most.

My besties come with an added bonus: their men. These guys are always looking out for me in all the little ways that brothers take care of their sisters. They check my oil, run my codes, stand in line with me for ice cream, voice their support with few words but loads of warmth and firmness, weedwack my yard, and look out for me in general when they can. I adore them, unless the besties are mad at them, and then they suck and must do penance.

These people are my glue. They are my best memories. They make up half of my emergency contacts.  They are incredible individuals and awesome friends.

They are my family, and I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have them, each and every one.

I’m sitting here in my cozy little farmhouse, in a southwestern-facing cove at 2900 feet, working on budget reports for the senior management team, having just finished my homework for the next week. I won’t be in my private office complete with mini-fridge and bow-front desk for another two weeks, because when I’m done with jury duty, I’m spending a week in the corporate office to meet with the corporate controller and his senior accountants.

When you found me, I was running a switchboard and surfing the internet. That was only seven years ago. Those two vapid executive assistants were crimping my style. I had no education, nothing but administrative experience, and my future was a dim shadow. You saw something in me, despite the fact that I bratted out on you whenever the opportunity presented itself.

I know that I’ve created and earned my success. I understand that I was the one who did the work. That doesn’t change the fact that you were the first person to see my potential, to see beyond my smartass mouth and youthful exuberance and find the talent and drive that brought me to this place. You’re not the only person to have helped me become what I am, but you were absolutely the first.

The opportunity you fought so hard to give me- and I know what you must have gone through- the patience you showed me, and the interest you took in my education and career- there are times I weep with gratitude when I really stop to think about it.

You’ve always been an incredible friend; a shoulder to cry on, a great source of trusted advice, someone who cared enough to raise my ire if I really needed to hear an unpleasant truth. You are everything a mentor could ever be, and what makes it too precious for words is this simple: all you ever wanted in return was my respect and affection. You have both in spades, sir.

Your sage words of advice; about dying inside, about the work being the bottom line, about dealing with idiots and assholes- I hear these phrases as I am resisting the urge to throw my office phone through the wall. You prepared me for corporate life in a very real and important way. I’m so very proud to tell you that when it comes to office politics, I am now 100% dead inside. It’s a strange and wonderful empty feeling- to know what to say and do to circumnavigate people and problems without really caring much about any of it. I’ve never done heroin, but perhaps this compares.  I throw the elephant as a parlor trick now, and you laid the foundation for it.

We’ve kept in touch, and that means the world to me. I miss working with you still, after all these years.

I take great comfort in knowing that you’ve found a wonderful woman to share your life with, and that you’ve brought an incredible child into the world. For a human being to miss out on the chance to have you as a father would be a bigger tragedy than I could swallow. You’ve been a father figure to me, and I’m a much better person for your interest in my mind, my heart, and even and especially, my soul.

Very soon, too soon, I will have to say goodbye to you. I will see you again, but I’m not sure when.  Please understand that your Daddy and I both love you very, very much. We both know that you are the best dog in the whole world, and it is our love and pride that motivate us to do what is best for you whether it is easy for us or not. This isn’t easy for me, not at all. The last thing in the world I want to do is say goodbye to you, but Mama and Daddy aren’t together anymore, and Daddy has more time for you. He can take you fishing, he can fetch you more. You deserve the best life we can make for you, and I’m consoled in knowing that you will have it.

The past few months have been precious to me. I did the very best I could to be the kind of Mama you deserve despite the fact that I’m not home much. That’s what it comes down to, my love: my best is not good enough for you. Not when your Daddy can do better. It’s not fair to any of us. So you’re going with your Daddy, and he will have the joy I’ve had for the past few months, and I will endure the pain and emptiness that he has endured. Our goal is that you not suffer any more than absolutely necessary, and I’m proud that we’ve done such a good job of it. You are going to be well loved and well cared for.

I want to tell you how grateful I am to have been your Mama.

Thank you for being such a good boy, for listening so well, for following the rules. Thank you for the times you didn’t follow the rules, because those were some of my best memories of our life together. Thank you for protecting me, for worrying about me when I was sad or sick or scared. Thank you for being such a good friend.

You’ve taught me leadership; how a leader carries themselves and how good leaders accept their status gracefully. Any doubt I had about my  maternal instincts and my capability to give a child the best part of myself is gone now, because you’ve given me the chance to see it in action.

I will miss you so very, very much. The kisses you cover me in when I come through the door. Your intelligence and witty humor. The tenderness and affection you give so freely. My heart breaks knowing that you won’t be here to lay your head in my lap or herd me into the kitchen to get your fetch ball. I will even miss fetch- throwing you the ball and cheering you on as you race after it and bring it back to me again, eyes bright and shining with hope that I’ll throw it again.

I’ll miss my co-pilot, the excitement you show over the slightest trip to the gas station, and the way you choke me with my seat belt when you’re trying to stick your head out the window. I’m grateful for our trips- the way you rest your chin on my armrest and lick my elbow till you drift off to sleep.

The cats will miss you too, I’m sure- your naps, your baths, and your sweet habit of breaking up their fights with the barn cats next door.

I’m grateful to you, my darling Adicus Badicus, for simply being the best dog a girl could ever have. You be good for your Daddy and go have the best life a dog can- one full of love and time and company and fetch and fishing. Mama will always love you, and she knows that she’ll bury her face in your fur again someday.

I love lilacs and avocados
Ukuleles and fireworks
And Woody Allen and walking in the snow
But you’ve got to know that

You’re the love of my life
You are the love of my life
You are the love of my life
You are the love of my life
From the moment I first saw you
The second that you were born
I knew that you were the love of my life
Quite simply the love of my life

I love Lucy and pumpernickel bread
The Statue Of Liberty and standing ovations
And falling into bed
But get it through your head that

You’re the love of my life
You are the love of my life
You are the love of my life
You are the love of my life
From the moment I first saw you
The second that you were born
I knew that you were the love of my life
Quite simply the love of my life

You can drive me crazy
You can drive me anywhere
Here are the keys
Just do as you please
It may not always be easy

But you’re the love of my life
My heart is riding on a runaway train
You are the love of my life
through all the pleasure and pain
From the moment I first saw you
I knew it right away
I knew that you were the love of my life
Simply the love of my life
You are the love
The great love of my life.

-Carly Simon “Love of My Life”

Thank you for being able to navigate that fine line between relating to me as an equal but not hesitating to guide and direct me when you think you have wisdom to contribute. I’m sure you already know that I take your input very seriously because you deliver it without lecturing or condescending or judging.

I’m so grateful that you continued to reach out to me when it was easier not to.

What we went through earlier this year, the loss that you endured, that I endured, was awful. I’m proud, though, that I was there to stand with you and that we held each other up so that we could hold up everyone else. Thank you for being there for me. Always.

My song for you is So Far Away, by Carole King. If we were able to give our deep bond the attention we both want to, I wouldn’t even know what to do with myself. I love and appreciate that we both understand that it’s just a matter of time and distance. After all, we’re both busy being the strong, vibrant, involved and productive women we are- the kind of woman you helped teach me to be.

You’re one of my heroes, Aunt Lisa. I love you.

PS: I got both packages. I cried. Thank you.